Quiet, because the verses I am reading can only be spoken about with someone who is reading them too. You cannot talk about the speech of Allah carelessly. It has to be put into beautiful words, and I am not sure I am capable of that.

I remember when a friend said to me, 'you are too kind,' and then everyone around me started talking about how we have to put boundaries around our kindness.

But that advice made me forget that Allah does not look at how other people treat us, and that those good things were only ever there because Allah had covered my faults. So the good in me comes from Allah alone, and when Allah wants to take it back, He takes it back. That has already happened to me once.

This road is quiet because I have to be careful with this heart. Looking again at which part of my deeds was for show, at which corner envy has quietly settled into, from which direction hypocrisy has already shown its face.

I am trying to be patient with this test of loneliness, because I know it is the return of the sins I have committed. In the name of sharing, in the name of wanting to be heard, when it was only another word for needing validation.

Forgetting that Allah is the Most Rich, the All Hearing, the One who suffices. Not one of His names did I forget, but all of them. When He is the One I should have been hanging every problem and every request on.

My silence is a small attempt at winning back the love of Allah. Allah is the Most Jealous when I go back to looking for a human being to depend on. So He began to take them away, one by one. Allah showed me that the human heart turns over and over, and we never know when, or why, or how. I am no different.

And this road of repentance is quiet. Sometimes the quiet is heavy. But every time I remember Allah, all of it becomes wide and easy, and I understand that Allah is the Most Good and He suffices His servant.

I walk the road of repentance wearing the station of a servant again.

Because I am afraid of this disordered heart. I am afraid Allah will take His guidance back.

يَا مُقَلِّبَ الْقُلُوبِ ثَبِّتْ قَلْبِى عَلَى دِينِكَ
Ya muqollibal quluub tsabbit qolbi 'alaa diinik
O Turner of hearts, make my heart firm upon Your religion.